No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
