I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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