I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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