hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
