my phone needs a breathalizer
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
