I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
