God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
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But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
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Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.