I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
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I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
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i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3