I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
i've created a new STD.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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