2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My bed smells like the plague
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