I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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