I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
