...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
