My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You peed on a flamingo?!?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
