You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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