everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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