its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
