You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
