you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
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My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
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Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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