imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
