I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
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