Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
