my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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