I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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