Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
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In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
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my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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