Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
