Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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