so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
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You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
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Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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