last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
