Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
