we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
not ubering you a puppy
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
