***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
