Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
