I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
