she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
