Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
