there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
