I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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