Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
