I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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