seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
