I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
