FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
