No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
