I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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