There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
