You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
