she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
