My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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