I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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