I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
