This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
