Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
