She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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