Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
she peed on how many people?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
