i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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