Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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