First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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