Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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